They say the curse of our generation is our ennui. They say we’re listless and directionless, that the sharpest contemporary minds are being wasted by Playstation, MySpace and Ketamine. Well, I’m going to dispel that rumour once and for all with a partial list of bands I was totally going start once I got around to it.
Genre: Bowel-Disrupting, Molasses-Slow Beard-Core
Description: I dig on Slayer, but I just can’t play that fricking fast. That’s why I picked up on the trend of agonisingly slow metal. All it takes is a distressed font, facial hair and a good connection in JB. Metal is super hot right now, and I’m not so proud that I won’t grow a beard and growl like a dyspeptic Wookie to earn a little scene cred.
Why it never came to be: Roommate scored a new connection. Then CSI Miami came on.
Genre: Intelligent Dance Geek
Description: It’s a relief that within our lifetimes, live musicians will be replaced by a swarm of intelligent nanobots making music for other robots. Like that hapless engineer in Terminator 2, I’m going to speed it along by starting another laptop blips and bleeps act. Our robot overlords are cool with it, since it’s pretty obvious that electronic musicians have absolutely no chance of reproducing anyway.
Why it never came to be: Had creative differences with my Powerbook.
Wow and Flutter
Genre: Brother-Sister Nordic Synth-Pop
Description: Think dance-punk is on its way out? Think again. All I need is an attractive younger sister, a little ambiguously incestuous tension and an albino pallor and I’ll be on the shortlist to open on the Kraftwerk reunion tour.
Why it never came to be: Accidentally got a tan during a trip to the full moon party when I went to Koh Samui.
Genre: Politically Motivated Punk of Undefined Ethnic Origin
Description: There’s nothing like having a cause, especially one so vague and incomprehensible it instantaneously becomes kitsch. I threw darts at the Asian part of the map until I found a good country of origin and watched the BBC until I found a cause. Who says there’s no room in the scene for a Indonesian labour-solidarity punk activist band?
Why it never came to be: Couldn’t sell enough tickets to play at the Gashaus.
The Vodka Daisies
Genre: Non-ironic Gin Blossoms Cover Band
Description: Just like the whole pink-and-black eighties revival that we all suffered through, nineties rock is just about to blow up. Again. Time to get in on the ground floor and start plumbing the depths of the Soul Asylum and Toad the Wet Sprocket back catalogs for this summer’s super hot party fire.
Why it never came to be: The Gin Blossoms never accepted my friendster request.
Genre: Hardcore Gangsta Sufist Rap
Description: When Phish broke up, my life fell into disarray. Selling ganja goofballs and beatboxing in the parking lot at a Kuala Lumpur show just isn’t the same. That’s when I decided to get back to my roots and pursue strict Sufism. Being way into mystical Islam is no reason to lose interest in my music. Allah akbar, biznatch.
Why it never came to be: Sufism’s not as forgiving as the MDA when it comes to spitting rhymes about gangster sh*t.
This article original appeared in Misprint Magazine